Don't Compromise with Your Spouse on Retirement Plans

Do you want a harmonious retirement with your spouse? Then, don’t compromise with your spouse on retirement plans. Develop a Win-Win retirement mindset instead.

Here’s the reason why I don’t think you should compromise with your spouse on retirement plans. Even though we have been taught since childhood that compromise is essential for getting along with others, if you resolve your retirement issues through compromise, you are setting yourself up for an unhappy retirement.

To live happily, it’s important to understand compromise. Thinking it will solve retirement conflicts is a mistake and can lead to resentment.

When it’s time for you and your spouse to decide on retirement plans, such as where to travel, when to quit your job, sell your house, or take social security, finding a Win-Win retirement solution is much better for promoting retirement bliss than settling for a compromise.

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Here’s what it means to compromise

Compromise is an agreement or settlement reached by making concessions on each side. A concession is something granted, especially in response to demands.

Think about that for a moment. Does that definition sound like something that would ultimately foster a positive and loving relationship – each side demanding that the other give something up to settle a dispute?

I believe this approach could lead to disastrous consequences, ultimately resulting in a breakdown of communication.

Why?

Because over time, after all of the scorekeeping (if you’ve read John Gray’s book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus) you know that most couples keep score. Someone in the relationship is bound to feel like they’ve given up more than the other person has. (Ladies, let’s be frank. We’re more inclined to feel this way, than men.)

Additionally, people dislike feeling as if they have bowed down, particularly to a demanding spouse.

Consequently, resentment builds up over time, making communication difficult or impossible. Let’s face it, resentment is the last thing you want at a time in your life when you should be enjoying yourselves.

To summarize, compromise ultimately creates conflict because it is based on the idea that I give up something for you, and you must give up something for me. This leads to keeping score, which in turn breeds resentment. Resentment causes unhappiness.

Here’s the solution.

Develop a Win-Win retirement mindset

Avoid the pain of resentment caused by feeling that you’ve given something up to please your spouse. Develop a Win-Win mindset – an attitude that continually seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. And who better to practice this with than your spouse?

Let’s entertain the idea that there are differences of opinion or disagreements about what direction you and your spouse will take in retirement. We will also presume that these issues will be resolved, as all disagreements have a resolution, one way or another.

What’s most important to consider is that the problem-solving process you use will have a significant impact on your future happiness.

Decisions or outcomes should not cause you or your spouse any lingering resentments, feelings of hurt, or defeat.

To fully understand the Win-Win mindset, let’s review what Stephen Covey defined in his critically acclaimed book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.“

4 different types of possible outcomes for conflict resolution.

According to Covey, there are only 4 possible outcomes for conflict resolution. This applies to all relationships, whether retired or not. I’ve provided some hypothetical scenarios for you to consider, which may be helpful if you and your partner find yourselves disagreeing on retirement plans.

Number 1 – LOSE-LOSE – This is an outcome where it ends up bad for both of you.

For instance, you demand your spouse continue working because you think you need the money, but he or she drops dead before both of you ever get the chance to enjoy retirement.

Number 2 – LOSE-WIN – Here, for whatever reason, you give up and let your spouse win. Deep down you feel upset with your spouse’s win and your loss, which makes harmony and happiness a casualty.

For example, you give in to your spouse’s desire to downsize and move to the country. However, there are no golf courses nearby, and you miss playing golf with your friends. You silently brood about your loss.

Number 3 – WIN-LOSE – In this outcome, you win and your spouse loses. The danger here is that your spouse may feel defeated, slighted, and hurt. You may be happy to be the winner, but only temporarily because of your spouse’s feeling of defeat. You risk injured feelings contaminating your relationship and ruining your happiness.

Let’s say you want to visit the grandkids, but your spouse wants to spend the afternoon with you. You win, and visit the grandchildren, but your spouse feels rejected and complains that you always seem to have more time for the grandkids than you do for him.

Number 4 – WIN-WIN – This is the best outcome for all! Win-win is a resolution that works for both of you – one that both of you are happy with. It ensures that you both receive benefits from the decision. It is a feel-good outcome. When you feel good, your energy is high and your world is full of peace and joy.

4 tips for a Win-Win retirement

Now that we’ve got that down, let’s look at the steps for achieving a Win-Win retirement.

Number 1. Collaboration with your spouse is the key to a successful win-win scenario. You collaborate and work together to create the desired outcome that pleases you both.

Win-win is not always the easiest or quickest method to achieve a result, but when it comes to the rest of your lives together, it makes sense. Take the time, express yourself, and most importantly, listen.

Number 2. Be alert. Disagreements are unpleasant but don’t avoid them. When striving for a Win-Win outcome, it’s important to acknowledge and resolve any differences instead of letting them linger. They need to be addressed, so as not to build resentment or hurt feelings.

Number 3. Purposefully listen. You already know what is a win for you. Often a spouse may believe they already know what their partner wants, but often they are mistaken. Without purposeful, non-judgmental listening, it is impossible to understand what is truly important to your spouse.

Number 4. Adopt a win-win attitude. You have a Win-Win attitude when you commit to finding a solution that works for you and your spouse. You adopt a position that you will not accept an agreement where you win and your spouse loses or vice versa.

When you and your spouse work together for a mutually beneficial result and can honestly say that you feel good about the decision, you have achieved a Win-Win outcome.

Both of you win when neither of you has given in to demands or sacrificed anything. As a result, you and your spouse move forward with a commitment to your retirement plans.

Negotiate a win-win solution with your spouse in retirement

In the mid-90s, my husband and I made significant changes in our lives, including relocating across the country. As mentioned in his article “Retirement Travel – Not All Who Wander are Lost,” we decided to move to a place where we had previously enjoyed vacationing.

We agreed to relocate to one of the western states – namely New Mexico, Idaho, or Montana. We didn’t want to be near a big city, but we did want to be within a reasonable distance of national parks.

My husband wanted to move to a place with snow, but due to his lack of experience driving on snowy roads, he preferred a warmer region of the given state. We both desired a rural setting, but I wanted to be able to take regular trips to town, so I didn’t want to be too secluded.

With enthusiasm, I started researching potential locations for relocation until I narrowed it down to a few spots that met our criteria. Then, we visited each of these areas to see how they suited us.

Fortunately, we found a mutually agreeable community in the northwest.

The move was a considerable undertaking, but we are still pleased with our decision and haven’t looked back. It’s a good feeling when both parties get what they want.

Conclusion

Compromising on retirement plans with your spouse is not the best approach, as it can lead to feelings of resentment from having to give up something. It’s much better to work together to find a Win-Win resolution that will leave you both feeling content. Your retirement happiness depends on it!

Last update: 07/02/24